Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
