So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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