My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
