Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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