Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The best revenge is premature balding
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
