dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
