I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
