Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
