in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
