hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
