good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
