if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
