i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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