I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
