you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
