I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everyone says I win the strip club
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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