Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
