Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
