Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
