I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
