I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
