One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
