i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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