dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
