Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
