Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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