I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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