i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need to sanitize my soul.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
