I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
