i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
