We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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