the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
