Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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