new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
