we made out on top of his cat.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
