tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
