Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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