If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
