He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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