Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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