and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
