The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
