He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
