When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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