My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
