the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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