My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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