I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i now understand why vodka
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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