You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
