she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
